Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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