I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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