This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
