nut hugger
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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