Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
