Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
