I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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