You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
