I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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