I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
