Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
