Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
