You're my little dorito
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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