Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
