you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
