My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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