thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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