we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
