So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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