i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
