Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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