she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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