This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
