You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
