I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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