Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
