Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
