Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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