Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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