OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
