There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
