I'm pants shitting drunk right now
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
