my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
