OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
True strength comes from lack of pants
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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