The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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