I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
