and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
