you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
