I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
