hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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