We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
