trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
