Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
