true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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