remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
