You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
