Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
