can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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