If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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