my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
