dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
