all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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