I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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