i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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